Write it Out

Acting work is here now!

2009-05-20T07:36:00.002-04:00

This is exciting! The play I am in called Tour de Force is going to be part of this weekend's Theater for the New City Lower East Side arts festival. Friday night at 6:50 pm, be there.....

I also booked a short film yesterday and will be co-choreographing a dance sequence.

Why do I continue to believe my dreams will come true? Because it feels better when I do! It's such a relief to know what I want because for years I wasn't sure or just didn't have the courage to admit it to myself.

My ROCK THE AUDITION class with Sheri Sanders has been amazing and I'm getting great feedback. There are a few Broadway singers in my class which was really intimidating to me at first. It was tempting at first to sit in some jealousy over the sounds their vocal instruments are capable of producing. I'm glad I let that go and am able to thoroughly enjoy and learn from these little RITs (rock stars in training!). I'm just letting myself be free and perform from my heart. So far, the results have been very good! To help train my voice, I'm starting biweekly classes with Tom Burke tonight.

Carolann Valentino's Burnt at the Steak premiered Monday night at the People's Improv Theatre. She was stunning and brilliant! She is a triple threat talent who possesses such command of the stage and ingenuity that you will be blown away when you see her perform!!

What else? Well, I sprained my ankle again so I'm off it for a while and doing PT for it. This is great though because I'm really going to focus on things like pilates, yoga, strength training and even swimming. I think this is exactly what my entire body, not just my ankle, needs. I've been doing a lot of high impact training and my joints are tired; yes, this change is what I need now, truly.

I hope you enjoyed this little bit of Lindspiration!! If my blog in any way helps you find your own courage and passion in any area of your life, please let me know!

I Have The Ball

2009-05-09T10:38:00.003-04:00

Whew! Friday nights are tough. I'm overtired from the week which makes it a challenge to wind down. Glad I slept well enough and although I woke up on this Saturday morning earlier than I had hoped, I at least made it relaxing (caught up on Grey's Anatomy) and productive (laundry, cleaning, shopping at KMart. Yes, happy to report I found a fabulous little dress to wear for Mother's Day for $16.99.)

If life were a soccer game, I am the center forward to whom a ball was passed straight from the back end, from the right defender. The ball was cleared and I have trapped it with ease. Now, it's time to turn and face the goal and look up, see the field, assess my options, and make a move. I can pass. I can dribble. I can go to goal. What I can't do is fill up with doubt, reluctance, self criticism or worry. No time for that because, well, that's when a defender on the opposing team comes up and strips the ball from between your feet before you can say, ummm, KMart.

My awareness today is that I have the ball! In regard to my career as an actor, things are moving. I have a show on Tuesday night. I am getting great feedback in a musical theater class I'm taking. I am working on a dance class that uses positive affirmations to feel great and sexy in your own skin and I'm shining there! The screenplay idea my brother and I came up with has steam and could be hilarious. I start filming an independent feature in July with a table read this month.

Hello, I have been passed the ball!! If I were sitting here on my computer with zero opportunities to speak of, I would perhaps be talking about the feeling of being sidelined. I had that when I played soccer at Cornell on the varsity squad. I rarely saw a competitive minute. I remember the feeling of getting put in when we were down about 5-0 against the mighty U of Connecticut. That was particularly difficult because I saw these girls, the Tiejen twins, who I used play against as a child competitively and now they were kicking ass for a top D 1 school and I was a sub.

Things are happening and what I need to do is take each opportunity and treasure it like the golden nugget it is. The distance between what I want to achieve and what I am achieving may not be as wide and vast as I imagine.

It actually becomes exciting when I realize I have the ball! It's like, YES, it's here and I am here and I am alive. There is nothing wrong with being hopeful, excited and enthusiastic. It is a wonderful place to be.

Where Happiness Lies

2009-05-09T01:26:00.004-04:00

Where happiness lies, as in, where I find it. Its source. What makes me happy. I make me happy. Sometimes it's easy. I just observe something that comes into my life, that I've attracted, and it matches That Which I Want and there is harmony.

I want to get the acting job and give a great performance
+
I get the acting job and give a great performance
=
I feel happy.

Suffering stems from unfulfilled desire and lack of faith in its future manifestation.

I want to meet my soul mate and live happily ever after in a beautiful relationship with kids
+
I am single and feel afraid I'll never meet the one
=
I feel sad.

Happy/Sad. This is the binary that's set up in my mind. So black and white, simplified and limited.

True happiness lies in more subtle things than the rainbow of success. It is helping a friend tonight as she packs up and gets ready to leave her partner and move to a new place, alone again for the first time in a very long while. To just be there and help her let go of clothing, kitchenware, shoes, etc., as she prepares for her new phase. Or, to give my parents Bruce Springstein tix as a surprise. They were elated. Even volunteering at a charity event last night for a few hours as a coat check chick. These are all good things that helped other people and causes bigger than me.

Bizarre Fact I Wish Was Fiction

2009-05-02T00:15:00.002-04:00

This morning, before getting ready for work, I caught a 5 second tidbit of a story broadcasted on FOX or WPIX about an elderly unidentified man found dead in the bottom of an elevator shaft. This was in Riverdale, a section of the Bronx, and he had been missing since yesterday afternoon. What else is new, I thought. This is why I don't watch the news in the am while I'm getting ready, unless it's NPR. I do not, I reminded myself, want to hear about grizzly murders, botched robberies and freak accidents, let alone traffic and weather together every 10 minutes.

I didn't think twice about this unidentified man for another minute. I switched to Vh1 Soul, danced around my apartment, and En Vogued and SaltnPeppa'd my way into a frenzy. That, I was reminded, is the way to go in the morning. 1992 Video Music Award's footage and we're looking at hot shorts, patent leather, buff men in boots and dance moves that put the D in Diva. I was so excited I updated my Facebook status. (I'm trying - I'm even on Twitter - but is there a point?)

The point is that later in the day I got an email from my mom that asked me to call her, which I did promptly. Her cousin Sheldon, she said, was found dead in the bottom of an elevator shaft in his building. You see, Sheldon was legally blind and when the door to the elevator was opened, sans elevator, he stepped on and plunged to the ground below. He was 67 and leaves behind a wife and son, a great guy who's married with a beautiful daughter who will never know her grandpa. The tragedy of this is that it could've been prevented. A faulty elevator -- perhaps someone knew it was broken and didn't say anything. Or, maybe the super or maintenance people were behind schedule and would get to it when they had a minute. Who knows?

Oddly, after I found out, I kept thinking about pop culture. I thought how this would've been a great plot line on Six Feet Under. I thought about Twin Peaks and how David Lynch could've weaved something like this into the quest for Laura Palmer's killer (okay, that is a stretch but I couldn't stop thinking about TP). I thought about Law and Order and how they'd suspect foul play at first but after discovering another death n Riverdale they'd get totally confused and that pretty Greek-American actress would have to figure out which one was a murder and which was a terrible accident.

It was all blending together in my mind. That, I have to say, is probably one of the most confusing things about the workings (or trappings) of it. I tend to seek out ways to understand my life as if it were a movie or a series (preferably on HBO, Showtime or AMC.) I overidentify with storylines you find in the news or play roles as an actress but I can see how personally it hurts me to think of my life as some kind of narrative where I'm not quite 100% participating. As I sit here in my apartment, thinking about my cousins and how devastated they must be about the facts, wishing they can turn them into fiction, perhaps a television episode, I wonder if we need this kind of over-identification with fiction just to cope with painful news. I'm too tired to really think much right now but I suspect an idea or two is forming in this post somewhere.

I also wonder if anything matters more than real family and friends. When shit hits the fan or a loved one is lost, you need real people, not tv characters, with whom to connect.

Rest in Peace, Sheldon. We may not have seen you often but we loved you.

One thing leads to another...

2009-04-28T18:47:00.003-04:00

I performed in a 24 hour plays festival on Saturday night and the writer liked how it turned out so much that she invited us to perform it May 12th at The Duplex cabaret theater in the West Village. It's at 7 pm and tix are $5 with a 2 drink minimum.

Reading Eckert Tolle's A New Earth and want to share this paragraph which I read today:

Those who are exceptionally good at what they do may be completely or largely free of ego while performing their work. They may not know it, but their work has become a spiritual practice..I have met teachers, artists, nurses, doctors, scientists, social workers, waiters, hairdressers, business owners and salespeople who perform their work admirably without any self-seeking, fully responding to whatever the moment requires of them. They are one with what they do, one with the Now, one with the people or the task they serve. The influence such people have upon others goes far beyond the function they perform. They bring about a lessening of the ego in everyone who comes into contact with them. Even people with heavy egos sometimes begin to relax, let down their guard, and stop playing their roles when they interact with them. It comes as no surprise that those people who work without ego are extraordinarily successful at what they do. Anybody who is one with what he or she does is building the new earth.

For someone who is (I admit) constantly seeking external validation with regard to my performing skilllzzzz, this was a real eye opener. It made me think about when I played soccer as a kid and was so engrossed in what I was doing that I often felt in the zone and, as described above, at one with what I was doing. Soccer was so engulfing that I was oblivious to crowds cheering or booing or anything. One move or pass would lead to the next and then to the next. Acting from moment to moment is the same but I find it harder to achieve, perhaps partly because I haven't been doing it as long as soccer, which I started playing at age 5.

The most important thing to take away from that paragraph and this book A New Earth in general is to think less about myself! Less thoughts of praise, less thoughts of criticism, less thoughts overall. That is the dissolution of ego in part and when I have moments where I am not in the +/- mentality, I am at greater peace than at any other moments. Less self seeking - what a concept.

In order to take care of myself, I must surrender to this because I often feel lost in a whirlwind of trying to win approval as a performer and even just as a person, as Lindsay. I know that quest is futile and leads to a Dead End. I was going to call it adolescent, which I guess one could argue it is, but since it plagues so many adults I would hesitate to use that label. I am feelng more and more that what would make me feel the most worthwhile and like my life truly has meaning is if I'm working to improve the world -- somehow addressing one of the many, many ills which plague us.

I also am noticing more and more the call to live in a more natural setting. New York City is an extraodinary mecca but between the pollution (smokers should be banned from doing it on streets, I fully believe) and the noise, I just feel sick here. Not sure how to work this one out, but we'll see where the Universe leads me and I do believe it does lead.

How the callback went and a new audition!

2009-04-20T22:33:00.005-04:00

the rain is coming down like exclamation points
enthusiastic about its persistent
steady release
of what most people don't want
satisfied to hurl at full strength
that which covers the sunshine
and the heat
and the moonshine
and the treat of a sky to gaze upon

yet...

I could not be more content. I love this rain. It is so beautiful. My calm candle sits on the window sill. I just ate a nourishing dinner. I am peaceful in my quiet home and I am truly grateful.

The callback for "The Day the Music Died" went well. I thought I did a good job with the acting. My singing -- um, I had fun but I was screeching and for some reason the producers laughed when I was done. I wasn't trying to be funny! :) Such a success just to show up and give 100%, which I did. I will be working on my audition technique when I start a new class next month called "Rock the Audition" with Sheri Sanders and Wendy Bobbitt Cavett, the current Musical Director for "Mamma Mia" on Bwy. It's going to be an amazing pop/rock audition class and I cannot wait!!

When I finished auditioning tonight, I was elated to find an email which said I've been called to audition for a part in a show called "The Boychick Affair" (www.boychickaffair.com). It had a successful 14-month run in LA and now a NY production is in the works, opening July 4th weekend! I'd be playing a Reform Jewish Rabbi who also happens to be pregnant, a lesbian and really into Zen. I can't make this stuff up.

What else? Someone I went to camp with posted a comment on my Facebook page today asking me if I'm going to be famous. He was just making a joke, hardy har har, but it did get me thinking. What if that happens? Fame is not what it used to be. It is watered down because now everybody can be famous thanks to the advent of the internet, reality television, etc. It's like the law of diminishing returns in economics -- the more you produce of a product, the lesser its value (Ian, did I get that right?). I don't pursue fame as a goal and I don't think about it but I am not afraid of it. I don't want to fear anything in this lifetime.

Have a great night and keep dreaming in the sunshine, the moonshine and the peaceful rain.

!
!
!

Callback and a contract in the mail...

2009-04-19T09:37:00.002-04:00

Hi everbody! I am so excited -- I was called back for a second round of auditions for the musical The Day The Music Died produced by GST Visions. I'll be learning the audition song today. Also, I booked an independent feature film last month and yesterday the producer called to ask me where to mail my contract. My first contract!!!! WOO HOO!!!!

I am so inspired by people who don't give up on themselves ever, no matter what. People who just go for their dreams despite the but's. Don't be a butthead!!!! I refuse to be. I'm more fired up and determined than ever and know this is going to be an amazing few months of growth and expansion for me!! It's such a gift.

What do you feel inspired by and if the only thing standing between you and success was you, what would you go after?

There is abundance all around us available at all times. Today, I am focusing on it. I am focusing on all the things going right in my life and affirming that I am a beautiful and talented actress, singer, fitness teacher and writer. What about you? Can you list 5 things about yourself that you love and want to nourish?

Check out www.satilife.com to see where I get so much of my inspiration. Email me if you want to be on my mailing list so I can tell you when and where I am teaching next!

Successful audition!

2009-04-13T22:51:00.005-04:00

Today's audition for a staged reading of the musical "The Day the Music Died" was so much fun. I sang 16 bars of "Me and Bobby McGee" and was asked to stay and read sides. The characters are high school students and I thought I might be a little, ahem, mature for the part but I channeled my inner teen and did my best. It's set in the rip roaring times of the Civil Rights Era, Vietnam, rock-n-roll and big time social change. I made some really good choices during the cold readings, but definitely resorted to some old habits that are ineffective and need to go. I do want to give myself props for staying focused with my old high school sweetheart in the room. Yes, he was helping his mother (the creator/producer of the show) with the auditions. You can't make this stuff up. I was a little rattled at first but decided it was perfect. Why? It helped me feel like I was like, really, like totally back in high school!

After my audition, I stopped by Tom Todoroff's class since it was literally two buildings down from where I auditioned. It was great to see the class in action. I studied 2.5 years with Tom while he was based in LA and ran weekend intensives in NYC about every 4-6 weeks. Now he's in NY full time and his class is at the National Comedy Theatre. He's pretty stellar. I call him The Surgeon.

Continuing with teen week, tomorrow I'm auditioning to play the role of Anne Frank in a Holocaust remembrance project by Central Synogogue in Manhattan. I'll be staying up tonight reading excerpts from her diary.

This is why acting is so amazing. You just give yourself permission to use your imagination and travel. You have to be incredibly bold and courageous to do it -- I really believe that.

P.S. I just read excerpts Anne Frank's diary. You know you're alive when you respond immediately to a piece of text. Do you respond to this sample of her beautiful, innocent voice of optimism:

It’s utterly impossible for me to build my life on a foundation of chaos, suffering and death. I see the world being slowly transformed into a wilderness… I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too shall end, that peace and tranquility will return once more.
-Anne Frank

Changing the Focus of My Blog

2009-04-12T18:47:00.004-04:00

Hi loyal readers.

Per the above title, I am changing the focus of my blog. Lately, it's been brought to my attention that what we focus on grows. If I want success as an actress, for example, I must focus on the successes I currently have as well as the vision of what I desire for the future. I also have a great option -- acting as if. Acting as if is all about embodying the state of what I want before it's here. As an actor, I should be quite good at this. I am. I see, feel and experience myself getting signed with a top industry talent agent. I imagine myself walking tall and feeling amazing because my dreams have come true. I can already feel the butterflies kicking up in my belly -- the excitement ones, not the I'm-gonna-lose-my-lunch ones. How amazing to walk confidently in the direction of my dreams. I LOVE IT.

Today in Erika Shannon's intenSati class, the lower body series was about sharing my beautiful dreams with my friends and community. Toward that end, here's what I want to accomplish careerwise:

1. I want to act in feature films -- everything from dramatic, intense pictures to Woody Allen-esque comedies to lofty action films. Yes, I want to be in an action film and basically kick ass. You can take out the "basically".
2. I want to act in a sitcom or episodic show either as a guest or a regular.
3. I want to write, co-produce and act in an independent film.
4. I want to record my own album that is full of great songs and hits. I want to play to sold out crowds. I want to make music videos with hot dance routines.
5. I want to mentor young people in the performing arts and support them to live a life beyond their wildest dreams.
6. I want to teach intenSati and sexySati -- more to come on that!

I'm happy to share this with you. I have faith in myself and my talent. I know that doubt sometimes rains on my confidence parade but I always come out of it. Lately, I come out of it faster than ever. It's so exciting. I feel my growth and see my progress.

I will end with this passage from David Hlavsa's An Actor Rehearses.
It's called What Actors Learn:
Actors learn to create intentional relationships with other people.
Actors learn that love can be a deliberate act, not just something that happens to us.
Actors learn to switch roles.
Actors learn about the uses and abuses of social status.
Actors learn to identify and pursue what they want.
Actors learn that the self is a construct and, as such, is not fixed forever.
Actors learn that life is funny.
Actors learn that they are ordinary people.
Actors learn to make themselves vulnerable.
Actors learn to fail.
Actors learn the relationship between planning and spontaneity.
Actors learn to serve the enterprise rather than the ego.
Actors learn to play.
Actors learn to recognize when they are full of shit.
Actors learn to talk to, not at, people.
Actors learn to listen to the body.
Actors learn that the body is a vehicle.
Actors learn to incorporate feeling and thinking.
Actors learn to express emotion.
Actors learn to contain it.
Actors learn not to fetishize emotion.
Actors learn to interrupt it.
Actors learn to look deeper.
Actors learn to personalize.
Actors learn to have faith.
Actors learn the power of metaphor and analogy.

xox-Scene-xox

Riding Horses

2009-04-08T19:39:00.002-04:00

I was never much of a horseback rider. At summer camp, when faced with the option to spend a few hours at the stable, I always passed. I never liked their smell, riding hurt my groin and I just prefered to admire a horse's beauty from afar.

My horse aversion hasn't stopped me from accepting "well, you just gotta get back on the horse" as one of my most oft resorted to expressions. It seems I set up expectations for myself to modify behaviors, do well for a while, and then rebel with exactly the behavior I've been trying to ditch. Whether it's an overeating episode, money spending spree, reckless dating behavior or big time procrastination and disorganization, I have grown used to accepting that one of the biggest indicators of my growth these days is how quickly I saddle up and get back on the horse...

...which is why I feel particularly proud today. After a rigorous few weeks of exercise and healthy eating, last night I slid off my diet in the food consumption equivalent of an avalanche. It was not pretty. It was disgusting, actually. Yet today, I got up, dressed nicely for work and found my way (in loose fitting clothing) back to the gym for, of all classes, Sexy Sati, which is meant to reinforce positive feelings of beauty and sexiness through dance and affirmations. Talk about "fake it till you make it".

The thing is, I reflect on why I repeat old behaviors I thought I let go of and I realize I am still so attached to how they make me feel comforted, safe, protected and relieved from the stress of everyday life. Stress management is key as is undoing whatever underlying beliefs I have which cause me to interpret situations as stressful and overwhelming. It's a lot of work to change how you think but for those of us committed to doing it, it is worth it to witness progress and growth.

Maybe there is something to my not liking horses which is symbolic. Maybe underneath it all I'm less comfortable on the horse than off. Less comfortable in a thin, healthy body, less comfortable taking control of my personal finances, less comfortable in a relationship with a loving partner as opposed to dating men who don't meet my needs, and less comfortable being at peace with myself and who I am. Maybe that's why I choose to keep falling off.

Well, I'm going into another dance class now -- an "on the horse" activity that I'm choosing to do because of my desire to be a beautiful dancer. I guess things get bumpy in the pursuit of goals. Nobody ever said it was easy. Perhaps that is the beauty of riding and I'm first starting to realize that.

Hide and Seek

2009-03-12T23:40:00.002-04:00

I play hide and seek with my faith all the time
some days it is eyes wide open
dreams revealed
dancing to new beats
gazing up and out across worn out, familiar, been here before territories
even transforming some so they
look new
again
other days it is despicable despair
the odds too great
the life I imagine relegated to
couldn't be's
can't be's
won't be's
this time around
and the lament becomes a descent
which is tough to catch
but not impossible
resurrected dreams get dusted off and placed back on the shelf
it is okay to believe, just for a few minutes, for a few seconds
today
images back on the cork board of inspiration
pictures of living the imagined, passionate life
gently return to a focused mind
words like Yes, I can do it, I deserve it
roll
off
the
tongue
and silence is spent in peace knowing that once again the dreaming
has
begun.

The Voice of Knowledge - excerpt

2009-03-06T21:41:00.007-05:00

I'm reading The Voice of Knowledge by Don Miguel Ruiz and since I don't have time to post now but want to share something, here is an excerpt from the book that really spoke to me:

What is real is so beautiful and there are no words to explain it, but it's there. There is a whole reality created by the reflection of emotions, and in that reality you can see that what is real is your love. I know that I used to perceive that reality before I learned to speak. I know that before the voice of knowledge, all of us perceived that reality all of the time. What you are is something incredibly magnificent. And not just humans, but every animal, every flower, every rock, because everything is the same. When you open your spiritual eyes, you see the simplicity of life. I am life, and you are life. There is no empty space in the universe because everything is full of life. But life is a force you cannot see. You only see the effects of life, the process of life in action. You see a flower opening or a tree with the leaves changing colors and falling to the ground. You see a child growing. You see a human becoming old. You have the sense of time, but it's nothing but the reaction of life passing through matter...I see my physical body as the evolution of life. Life is evolving, it is pushing matter, it is creating...

The Serenity Prayer

2009-03-01T18:22:00.002-05:00

God grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

God
there is a creative, spiritual energy that runs through our world
call it what you will
grant me
it is a gift that comes from outside ourselves, often through messengers
serenity
peace, freedom from self destructive habits, from denial or bad relationships, a calmness within, a soul that rests easy at night while I sleep
to accept
I may not like it, it may not be how I want it to be, but I can at least stop resisting it, saying yes to what is, knowing it is temporary
the things I cannot change
what's done is done, what is for this moment out of my hands, my broken fridge which ruined $50 of new groceries, the past, you
courage
that warrior can-do spirit fortified with optimism
to change
modify, fix, clean up, alter, make new
the things I can
my actions, attitude, outlook, direction, words, intentions
wisdom
not mine, nothing new that hasn't been said or thought before
to know
I know when I behave in alignment with the knowledge I think I possess
the difference
one from another, truth versus illusion, clarity about what I can do something about and where I'm powerless

*Spirit, Source, Allah, Buddha, Christ, Hanna Montana...whoever or whatever you ask to provide strength when you're up against a wall...whoever or whatever you thank for your life.

Gratitude
That most precious state of mind where appreciation trumps aggravation.

Identity
Recognizing that we are not our jobs, our economic status, our weight, our relationships or our solitude. We are not our sicknesses or even our triumphs over them. We are not our stories and we are not our fantasies, we are not our hopes and we are certainly not our dreams, broken or manifested. We are revealed sometimes but most of the time we are hidden.

Thou Shall Not Quit

2009-02-28T19:19:00.006-05:00

I had another audition today, this one for a spec TV pilot, which basically means the producer is not contracted with anybody so he's going to produce it on his own and then pitch it. How did I do? I tanked. I mean, I really, really sucked. I was working off a set of sides and think I just basically proved that I can read English.

The director gave me the chance to read twice. After the first, he told me to "shake the rust off" and be more expressive, to which I responded, Sure! Then I gave the exact same read as the first go-around.

However, as I am a passionate optimist in training, I remain inspired and totally confident that I am going to succeed. Yes, despite having 4 auditions in the last week-and-a-half and getting called back exactly, well, not once, I know more than ever that I want to act professionally and I'm gonna do it. I'm not only going to do it, I'm going to do it well. Very, very well.

So, acting is something I will not be quitting anytime soon. As far as why I'm not doing as well as I'd like to be -- and I'm not talking about results, just the actual audition process -- well, let's see. I'm not doing the disciplines my last coach prescribed: daily work on my voice, daily cold reading practice and going over text hundreds of times (or as often as time permits). I haven't worked in months. Maybe I'm out of shape.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
-Woody Allen

Stay in the center of the circle and let all things take their course.
-Lao-Tzu

Burden or Passion

2009-02-26T12:08:00.004-05:00

I can say quite easily what my passions are:

Dancing (clubs and classes), singing and listening to music, acting, going to the theater, spending time in nature (as long as I'm dressed accordingly), writing and reading poetry, getting lost in a great novel, The Daily Show and RealClearPolitics.com, soccer, basketball, cooking and eating scrumptious food with people I love, the word scrumptious, sitting in total silence beside one burning candle (as long as the scent isn't too strong or artificial smelling), laughing and spending precious time bonding with the people I love.

This is not cut and pasted from my Jdate profile. My super hero name would be Passion Girl! Oh, my porn name, according to that Facebook note, is Max Roxbury (first dog, street you grew up on).

You'll notice that "building up my self esteem" didn't make the list. Yet, by sheer necessity, I've come to spend a great deal of time and energy in service of this goal. I go to therapy, have a life coach, practice and teach intenSati (www.satilife.com) and attend support groups for help with my behaviors around food and personal finances. I read a lot on the subjects of relationships, money, fitness and spirituality. I seek out positive mentors who are strong, powerful and healthy. Self esteem is not only about how I think and feel about myself, but how I behave. As it is said, esteemable actions build and reflect self esteem.

I am not in love with this pursuit. Often, I resent it. It can feel like such a burden. Can't I just wake up feeling great about myself -- worthy, deserving, happy, confident -- and act accordingly. Why is it still such work to eat well, spend within my budget, and take positive actions that will help me achieve my goals and dreams. I'd rather spend time in the old Why's than the new Do's.

What I've decided is that I can't resent this anymore. I arrived where I arrived on the self esteem spectrum as the result of a multitude of factors, my understanding of which seems to have little actual effect on my motivation to change. What helps me change and stay motivated is enjoying the process! I've gotta make it fun.

I'm just not sure how, exactly. Maybe that will be my next post!

It's not just about loving the benefits. It's got to be about loving the work. The falling off the horse and getting back on. The new insights. The challenges. Oh, the challenges! The small victories which are never small, really. The people I meet along the way. Soulmates I attract because my heart is open.

There is also a quality of mystery meant to be embraced. I really don't know who I'll be or what my life will look like once I really start taking amazing care of myself. I know I'm ready to find out. It will probably be quite beautiful. Like me. (Hold on -- was that a bird, a plane, no, that's Self Esteem Girl!) When I really think about it, my life is already quite beautiful. It can really only get better from here. What a scrumptious thought.

Letting Go Again

2009-02-21T21:54:00.004-05:00

Today marked the end of a period of time spent living with my parents. 52 days. The plan was to stay with them for a few months and then find my own apartment. However, I found the search to be exhausting and fruitless (despite a market favoring renters) and when a great sublet came my way through a co-worker, I grabbed it.

So, for the next three months, I'll be living in a gorgeous studio in the village, at a price well below market. I'm all moved in (but of course not yet unpacked). As soon as I unloaded my things from my parents' car, I ran right to the gym for an exhilerating workout. I felt like I'd been let out of prison. A nice prison, perhaps like Martha Stewart's, but prison, nonetheless. Parents and adult children living together can be worked out, temporarily, but it's like regression quicksand and very, very challenging. The bars on the metaphorical cell were my memories, more than anything else. My childhood bedroom where I slept doesn't look at all the same (it's been redone into a mod guest room) but that doesn't matter. It's all still there. It's in the walls. Good, bad, indifferent - nostalgia can be suffocating.

"Call me tomorrow morning and tell me how your first night in your new apartment was!"

No, mom. I will not be doing that.

After the gym, I went to see Frozen River with a friend. Please see it, the acting is brilliant.

In this here studio, my new temporary home, it is so quiet I can actually hear myself think, breathe and tap my keyboard. I don't hear my parents' tv. I don't hear the city because the apartment faces a courtyard. I guess time will tell if I have noisy neighbors but at around 10 pm on a Saturday, I can say this is the quietest New York apartment I've ever been in. Maybe it's the quietest place in the whole, bustling city. That's a nice thought.

I've made a habit of subletting. I've never had a lease of my own. Whenever I move into a new place, knowing it's temporary, I tell myself it's great to have a short-term place because when the sublet agreement is up, I'll just leave New York and move someplace new. I dream of really exotic locations. Like LA. No really, like London or Africa or Montreal. I've considered moving to each of these places. Fellowships. Grad School. Doctors Without Borders (I'm not an MD but figured someone needs an assistant.). Colorado. The Naropa Institute. I never go.

I've lived in just about every area of Manhattan and Brooklyn, though. Some might say that's a lot of culture difference but I'm thinking there's more for these eyes to see. (Although the Upper West Side and 9th/Broadway feel like they could be their own separate planets.)

Bouncing around to these different sublets, most of which are already furnished, some of which have roommates (not this one!), is similar to being an actress. Trying on lives, personalities, characters and given circumstances. Trying on homes, neighborhoods, energy and in some cases, pets. I've lived with other people's fish, birds and cats. Yuck, yuck and yuck.

I thought I'd be married by now with my own kids, husband and house, the absence of which still kicks me in the gut. That feeling of lack, by the way, that there is something missing, is one to be guarded. It can morph into bitterness. It's kind of like a car sitting in the driveway and if you fuel it with fear, you drive to Bitter Bitter Land. Better to just keep the car in the driveway on empty. Let it sit. It is a master who can maintain consistent focus on that which is present and abundant in her life, rather than on whatever isn't there.

For the rest of us, there's Facebook. I'll go on and see all the married mommas from my high school, camp, college and god knows where else. I really wonder what happened and because I'm not getting the 411 from God and don't have any clue, I can just tell you how it feels. It feels like I was the only surfer who couldn't catch the wave, that big kahuna one that takes you to shore, or in this case, the island of Family Land. I do feel like I'm just in the water with my board and it's a total bummer, dude. The fact that the numbers reflect a large singles population and escalating divorce rate does not ameliorate my discomfort. It "should" but like, whatever, it totally doesn't.

The cool thing is, despite what sounds like a heavy heart, and I do feel like I have one tonight, I am well. I am just feeling my feelings and processing things like a cuisinart and I'm good. 52 days with mom and dad, come on! Do I get an award? Do they?!? We are very, very close. I love them. I want them to live until they're into their 90s. I just don't ever want to live with them again.

Some people believe everything happens for a reason.They (the mysterious, all-knowing They) say to just let things unfold, to have faith, and just know you're exactly where you are supposed to be. I say, I'm grateful to be in my new quiet place. I hope SNL is not a repeat tonight because I'm going to watch it on my cozy couch.

I hope peace emanates from your heart, from the cavernous space inside where the beat echoes....

"2009 I'm Gonna Shine" and keep my word...

2009-02-11T14:38:00.004-05:00

We learn a lot about ourselves by the promises we break.

If I say I'm going to do something and don't, it usually means that I had no intention of doing it in the first place, had to deal with an external factor of interference outside my control, or, wanted the result of the action but not the discomfort of carrying out the action itself.

Recently, I bailed on my word to read my 2009 I'm Gonna Shine intenSati affirmations once a day in the mirror. No idea what I'm talking about? www.satilife.com :)

The affirmation goes like this: 2009 I'm Gonna Shine. Ain't no stopping me now. I'm gonna break through, I'm gonna try something new - watch me! Yes, I can change, yes. I have desire. I have faith. I have willpower. I have strength. Fear, so what, I'm gonna shine. Discomfort, so what, I'm gonna shine. Obstacles, so what, I'm gonna shine. This year is mine, I'm gonna shine! Every single day I say with discipline I am free to be a healthier and happier me. Action is the key to my success and positive thoughts fuel my actions best. Courage, confidence, love, compassion. I am worth it. Today I'm taking action!!

Quite a mouthful, eh?!

Try doing it with me in a fitness class for an hour. An experience like no other!!

Why didn't I keep my promise? Well, before I answer that, let me just say what my definition of shine is. Hopefully this will encourage you to think about yours, hint hint! For me, it means to let it alllll hang out. All the beauty, the light, the talent, the passion, the compassion, the wit, the strength, the humor, the ambition, the love. It means to give all of myself to this world, during this wonderful, brief time on it and in doing so affect others in a positive way.

I think I broke my promise to read my affirmation because it still scares me to stake my happiness claim so boldly. It scares me to look in the mirror and just own it, because when the negative, self-doubting critical voices fall away, I do feel quite vulnerable. There's a voice that goes, Really?! Are you sure? Sure you can handle shining, babe? I don't knooooow...

To which I respond...

Yes! I can handle it, thank you. I can even handle the fear, discomfort and obstacles along the way. I can handle the set-backs and disappointments, perhaps the ones that come from not getting something I really want. More difficult, I'm realizing, I can handle the success. :) I can handle the gifts. The abundance. The positive attention. The love. I can handle it. Bring. It. On.

I achieve considerable growth when I realize I have far greater control and power over what I think and how I behave. That with discipline and practice, I can learn to think and behave differently. I can practice trading worry for calm, anxiety for patience, anger for acceptance and depression for hope and optimism. None of this displaces realism and pragmatism -- I certainly do not strive to walk around oblivious or ignorant to problems of a personal or societal nature. What I am learning to do is feel a calm, solid center no matter what is happening around me, including my feelings and thoughts. From there, I can take much healthier, feel-good, self-supporting actions.

Just so you know, this blog post was the "consequence commitment" I chose to fulfill if I broke any of my weekly promises. Thanks to my buddy coach Katherine for helping me practice integrity, although for next week I may choose something a little easier. Or, maybe I'll just keep my word. :) Peace

Compassion

2009-02-08T23:09:00.004-05:00

I just spent 4 hours cleaning out childhood mementos, memories, moments, medals, trophies, letters, shoes, dresses I'll wear when I lose ten pounds, journals, Bat Mitzvah paraphenalia and god knows what else from inside my parents' garage. They sit in hefty bags and dusty boxes on the curb in front of my home on Roxbury Avenue. Some were released with tears. Others with a gut level laugh. I still held onto a lot of stuff -- camp photos, letters, yearbooks dating back to elementary school -- but most of it will be compressed at about 5:30 am by the garbage man and dumped on a landfill in Old Bethpage. I think tonight was more therapuetic than the last ten years I spent with analysts and social workers.

I can now look back with clarity and see the kind of pressure I was under as a kid. Everything I did was rewarded -- a grade, a rank, a place, attention, popularity and greater expectations. Identity wrapped around and always met with external validation.

After high school and onto college - the big fish from a little pond enters a huge pond and feels like an invisible fish. Nothing is good enough. Isolation. Lack of coping skills. Stress. Fear. What about taking risks? Being someone other than the perfect good girl student athlete leader prom queen captain mvp happy kid? Can I try a cigarette? In the petri dish, there now exists the perfect condition for an eating disorder and major depression. It grows and thrives rapidly like bacteria.

How can a young adult be or feel free and authentic when trying to be perfect all the time? Why are there so many people whose childhood and adult years are spent constantly craving approval and doing whatever they can to avoid rejection or someone's negative judgment? Do we ever grow up?

It's often said that recovery from addiction or "mental illness" (not a term I like to use) is one of the hardest things a person will ever face. For me, it was like New Orleans after Katrina. Whatever infrastructure was supposed to provide support and protection failed. Broke. A huge, all-consuming storm took over. After and during the rain, where the fuck is the competent help? What is taking so long? Where is home? Something very beautiful and precious is now under water.

When you fall hard and low, no matter who you are or what your strengths, whether you come from a garage full of trophies or not, the journey upwards can be unbelievably challenging and at times feels completely insurmountable.

I will write about what I went through one day and share it with the audience I find which needs to hear it. The hospitals, the medications, the attempts to find relief, recovery, health and happiness. Years of complete and utter disillusionment. Almost quitting time and time again until finally, the rise and something resembling a restoration. Acceptance. A new progression. Adulthood. Finding some peace, self acceptance, love even, and a positive voice which says I can do this life thing again.

The light and hero in me sees and honors the light and hero in you. Namaste.

Background

2009-02-04T17:30:00.003-05:00

I submitted for a photo project featuring actors who have done background work. Here is the email I sent along with my resume:

I can't say I have too much experience doing background but I have 4 stories that are each worth recalling! :)

1. Across the Universe dir. by Julie Taymor -- I was an "East Village Girl" and probably joined every non-union actor in New York as an extra in this fun, eclectic movie musical. It was cool and my work was basically to be a passerby turned dancer during the climactic "All You Need is Love" scene. We danced and danced. It was raining. Julie Taymor directed from high above in something resembling a large crane. It was my first and only time on the set of a Hollywood movie.

2. Z Rock on the Independent Film Channel -- This was kind of cool. I was a yoga extra for a small scene shot in Brooklyn. Apparently, the girl they hired to be the yoga teacher wasn't exactly pulling weight. So, after a few takes the director comes out and says, "Ok, here's what's happening. You (he points to me), you're the new yoga teacher. Mike her!" So, they put the microphone on me and I improvised the scene, downward dogs and dialogue included. It made it onto the series. My first feature credit on a cable TV show. Yeah!

3. Law and Order -- I was to be a striking legal aid worker. I thought I'd have my Norma Rae moment and bought a brown suit from a thrift shop. Turns out, when I called the casting hotline, I took down the info for Law and Order SVU. I arrived on set and they didn't have me listed. By the time I went to the set of CSI it was too late and I was cut. I cried. Hard.

4. Damages on FX -- This was only a few weeks ago. My talent manager told me it was background for a restaurant scene. It turned out to be for part of a crowd in the lobby of a court building. I arrived at 8:00 am and waited the entire day until 6:30 pm to shoot my scene. They were running behind and decided to cut the non-union extras (myself included, still working towards my membership) and so I went home without working. Highlights of the day were eating lunch at the table adjacent to the main stars (sans Glenn Close) and at one point, when I went to the craft table for a snack, it was just me and the young, lead actress on the series (name?) at the table.

We all start somewhere. :) It's where we finish that matters.

Best,
Lindsay B. Davis

Give Up My Stories or My Identity?

2009-01-28T20:57:00.002-05:00

I still haven't figured out what I'm doing with this blog, and because there doesn't appear to be too much traffic peering at my prose, I'm just going to plod along...

OK. Tonight, I was doing some writing about areas in my life that I feel powerless to change. These are places I must arrive at acceptance. For one, the economy and the way it is affecting people in unimaginable ways while bankers who CAUSED the current demi-depression are lamenting a reduction of their BONUSES or amenities. Where is the accountability? It's disgusting, I'm sorry.

Next. I was in a relationship and now it is over. It was brief (according to traditional time standards), but boy did it pack an emotional punch. I was trying to understand the pain and why I've been hurting so deeply since it ended. The answer I arrived at? Because I won't it let it go. It's like, and forgive this gross metaphor, a painful scab you just keep itching. You're refusing it the right to heal. Let the wound go and it heals. Give it space and it goes away. Going back over in my head the Why of it, the What Did I Do Wrong of it, the Can't We Try Again of it, or the Will I Ever Find Long-lasting Love of it, is futile, tiring and a completely wasteful spend of mental and emotional energy. Better to distract myself and immerse myself in another activity than go there. If I must think about it at all, do so with gratitude for the lessons, the beauty, and the fun it was. This is a good article, btw:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/01/27/o.after.beginning/index.html

Finally, my weight. Despite my efforts, I still live at about 10 pounds above where I'd like to settle. I realize I just have to eat less food (duh) and make sure I'm not allowing myself to dive into comfort sweets for temporary relief because there are lasting consequences. This "comfort" comes at a high price. I am learning to be more disciplined. For one of my amazing mentors and teacher from whom I'm learning how to do this, go to www.patriciamoreno.com. She's amazing.

That's all I got. :)

Dad, Me and Smokey

2009-01-25T21:58:00.008-05:00

I moved back in with my parents in Plainview. I'm officially a commuter. Every morning, Monday through Friday, my father drives me to the Hicksville train station in time to make the 7:57 AM train to Hunters Point, at which point I transfer to the 7 and ride it to Grand Central. Then, I walk to my office on 47th and 3rd. I've started reading the New York Times again, though I can only get through about 1/3 of it, half asleep commuter that I am. I don't, like many commuters, consider the walking between trains part of my daily exercise. At the Hunters Point stop, when a whole bunch of us make the Big Transfer, I feel oddly like we're a herd of sheep on klonopin.

Now, about these car rides with my dad. I came to realize that I can either focus on what a pain in the butt it is to have a long commute to the city or I can value what I'm doing for my own financial health and, for probably the first time, really appreciate my father and relate to him as an adult.

Our trip to the train takes exactly 9 minutes. What happens during those 9 minutes usually depends on my mood...and his. Some mornings I'm reticent and he's chipper. Okay, maybe not chipper. Pleasant. Easy-going. Other days I'm more up beat and he's got a lot on his mind, usually pertaining to the small business he runs. When we're both in good shape, we chat about politics, something funny my mom did, or what I am looking forward to in my day. Sometimes I'm depressed and tired and don't want to walk. I feel like an adolescent and have to remind myself that dad is not driving me to high school, I'm 31 and if I left anything at home it's my Metrocard and not my TI-81 graphing calculator.

We always stop at Starbucks and I offer to get him something, which he politely declines. He's a Dunkin' Donuts guy. We usually listen to music. His choice, most of the time. Lately, he's been on a Smokey Robinson kick. Last week, we sang "Tracks of My Tears" 3 days in a row. I think he kept playing it each morning until I got this line right: My smile is the make-up I wear since my break up with youuuuuu. It took a while, I have to assume, since I am in fact just off the break up train and have been smiling through a lot of pain. (Is that a song lyric, too?) My father exclaims with the passion of a preacher that today's music has no melody. I say, Yes, you're right! I go on. Everything has a clunky, hip hop beat, even the ballads which could be considered somewhat melodic, like Rhianna's Rehab, is brought down from its potential. He agrees. Doesn't bother to ask me who Rhianna is. Tells me Beyonce is okay and that Mariah can sing but Smokey, Marvin, Stevie, of course, that's what it's about - the guys with soul - and my dad knows.

Have a great day. He likes to give me pep talks even if I'm feeling fine. There's something to go after, to achieve, to accomplish, or acquire in my day, right? It's simpler, lately. Can I go through a long day in a job that is at present time not the most intellectually rigorous and not get "bent out of shape" about it. That's a phrase he likes to use.

Be careful. It's the last thing he says to me right before I get out of the black Murano. Used to drive me nuts but now I do consider it something I need to hear. Yes, dad, you are right. Be full of care. Take care of me, be mindful and considerate towards others and do my best to stay out of harm's way.

My dad is such a survivor. His 65 years are so full of inspirational stories but I wouldn't think to tell any of them without his permission, which I hope to get one day soon.

The rest of that Smokey song goes like this:

Baby, take a good look at my face
You know my smile looks out of place
If you look closer it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears....
-Smokey Robinson

It's really important to know where you come from and make peace with it. Then move on and leave the past behind.

As Diverse as it Gets

2009-01-19T13:03:00.008-05:00

It's incredible. In about 24 hours, Barack Hussein Obama will be sworn in as President of the United States. Some have waited their entire lifetimes to see a black man become president. Others, sadly, are sickened by the thought. (I'm sickened by the thought of people sickened by the thought.) Some can't wait for liberal, democratic policies to be implemented. Others are chomping at the bit, anticipating failure and ready to cast blame. Some see the promise of change as a welcome tidal wave of possibility. Others see the transition as over-hyped politics at its worse, preying on the hopes of people for whom life as they know it will change only minimally, if at all, even with a new administration. As a nation, we are as diverse as it gets.

Yesterday, I had the priviledge and pleasure of singing with the ActorCor choir at All Souls Church in Manhattan. Our concert celebrated Martin Luther King Jr., as well as tomorrow's inauguration and the hope for peace. The program was beautiful - full of psalms, prayers, spirituals, and chants in multiple languages. The choir was a rainbow as was the audience, mostly made up of friends and family. In the spacious sanctuary as the snow fell outside, we were a harmonious group as diverse as it gets.

There is very good news. As of this morning, a national poll said Obama has over an 80% approval rating. The nation is behind him. If nothing else, to feel like a more united and less divided nation will be a relief after the Bush era.

Today, while in Annie Sez, I felt like I was in a flea market. The prices are ridiculously low. They are practically giving clothes away - $10 for sweaters originally at $40. It's so weird, because on the one had I was glad to find two sweaters for under twenty bucks but on the other hand, we all know that if the inventory doesn't move (or it moves at such discounted prices), the store will go out of business. When I read about Circuit City shutting its doors -- 34,000 jobs lost -- the last thing on my mind was, Ooh, imagine what you can find on sale while they liquidate. Maybe this isn't saying much because I'm not that into electronics, but you know what I mean.

I'm singing again tonight, this time as part of an Interfaith Service at Park Avenue Church. The event is to honor Dr. Akbar Ahmed, Islamic Diplomat, Scholar, and Peace Advocate. The BBC named him "the world's leading authority on contemporary Islam" and the Temple of Universal Judaism is co-presenting the event and award. I'm looking forward to this and consider it a better way to spend the evening than watching tv or playing around on Facebook. The music, Psalm 121, is so uplifting and a guaranteed mood changing perspective enhancer. :)

Hope. Change. Faith. Inspiration. Peace. Positivity. Service.

Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou

I thank MLK Jr. for his courage. I pray for the Obama family and thank them for their courage, as well as everybody else who is working for positive change in this world.

I am sitting here in my parents' kitchen on Long Island. The house I grew up in. The kitchen in which I used to have dinner every night with them and my brother. McDonalds on Friday nights. Happy Meals. Ritz crackers and Skippy peanut butter with my dad after elementary school. I am glancing through the glass door at a very soft, light snowfall in my backyard. The same backyard in which I used to practice my soccer moves. Play on Slip-and-Slide. Rehearse gymnastic routines to the music of the Pointer Sisters. Imaginings of childhood, I can almost hear the laughter and me running in between the snowflakes.

Miracles

2009-01-15T17:26:00.005-05:00

About an hour ago, a US Airways plane departing Laguardia Airport for North Carolina struck a flock of geese. After its engines exploded, the plane landed in the Hudson River. Pictures show passengers standing on both wings waiting to be rescued, all while the plane floats precariously. Boats, ferries and the Coast Guard came. Everybody survived. It is incredible to think that the pilot's deft maneuvering prevented the plane from nose-diving into the water, the impact of which would have caused a much more catastrophic result.

Big miracle.

When I see something like this, of course I'm reminded how precious life is. All week I've been thinking about that, about how grateful I feel to be alive and well, so this event feels more like an exclamation point than a wake-up call. Little, medium and big miracles abound.

I'm off to rehearsal for the Say Yes! Voices of Unity concert, happening Sunday, Jan 18th at 4 PM. Location is All Souls Church which is on 80th/Lexington in NYC and the concert is free. Just come on down. We'll be celebrating the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr., and the inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama. Amazing. Also amazing is that I'm actually learning to sing in Arabic, Hebrew, Yiddish and Urdu (spoken in Pakistan) for this gig.

One more thing, just to build on my last post about self love. For all you New Yorkers, Canadians or anybody else affected by the Arctic freeze...this cold weather is a really good opportunity to practice the discipline and art of loving and nurturing yourself. Are you dressed warm enough?! :) Today, I have on two cozy sweaters, a soft wrap and my winter coat. I'm wearing stockings under jeans, socks, boots and two pairs of gloves worn on top of each other. A little overboard? Perhaps. :) But, I feel pretty good out there even in the single digits! In my mind, I think thoughts like "I am healthy" and "I feel great" and if any fear comes in about getting sick this winter, I replace that thought immediately. Some vitamin C and extra water, and I'm good to go. I have a warm hat, too. It's from KMart. Love my hat.

Love is a Creative Act

2009-01-03T16:51:00.005-05:00

Love is not linear. It changes form. It is like water moving from clouds to rain to river to ice. It evaporates. It comes down again and you wonder all along where it went. We need it like we need water. We're made of it like we're made of water. It quenches.

To love someone and feel loved in return, not because you are blood relatives, but because you arrived in each other's lives and continued to show up. This, this is an extraordinary feeling.

Boiled down to our essence, as it's been said by wise people since the beginning of time, we are love.

If you run astray and forget how lovable you are, forget how to love yourself with the same passion, fire, depth and compassion you show for your beloved, closest family members, pet, favorite Hollywood actor (not Brad Pitt for me - did you see Benjamin Boring? I mean Button, blech), etc., well, I believe you can be certain you will suffer until you find the way towards loving yourself.

Suggestions on how to love yourself:

1. Let go of addictions and self-destructive habits.
2. Take time to sit in meditation with a focus on the heart center and sending loving, energetic vibes throughout your entire body.
3. Keep a journal so you can witness how you're talking to yourself. If your language would not be a suitable way to talk to a close friend of yours, or a 5-year-old, ditch it and replace it with kinder words.
4. Allow wonderful people to love you. Then love them back.
5. Take an intenSati class (www.satilife.com), yoga, or any other form of mind-body-soul exercise that gets you going!
6. Make that list which shouts "These are a few of my favorite things" and do them. If your list is very materialistic, consider that you may be a bit out of touch with your spirit and see #5 and #7.
7. Spend time in Nature. Trees love you. Clouds love you. The sun LOVES you. Just let them. :)
8. Let go of anger directed at people who piss you off (or pissed you off a lonnnng time ago). How do you let go? I start with the very simple affirmation, "I forgive you" which I might write in my journal over and over until a peaceful sensation washes over me. This is a very effective tool of mine I'm sharing and if you're like me, you may get emotional and that's okay.
9. Speaking of which, honor your emotions. ALL OF THEM. When you cry, cry it out with a freedom that would make the CEO of Kleenex proud. When you laugh, let it run down into your belly and jump out through every pore of your skin, through your eyes, down to your toes' tips. When you feel afraid, don't censor it, don't judge it, don't tell yourself, "I'm too old to feel this afraid." Just let it be. And when you feel love, honor that feeling, cherish it, be grateful because you are experiencing it in the moment. It is the real good stuff and you deserve it, right?
10. Ask for help. We are not meant to survive this journey alone and can all probably ask for a little help from our friends way more than we realize. Courageous, strong people ask for help of all kinds. Maybe it's to have coffee with that friend who always knows the best jokes to crack when your spirit is down. Perhaps you can't figure out a certain function on your computer at work -- it's okay to call the help desk. Look at Obama, the guy has teams assembled for everything. And, when you give someone the chance to help (not enable) you, you are opening their heart as well.

The end. :)

Belated New Year's post

2009-01-02T07:28:00.008-05:00

Happy New Year!

I just got off the Jet Blue red-eye from Seattle. I'm on no sleep and there is a variety of nausea sweeping my system that is unfamiliar and feels like all the varieties of motion sickness combined -- air, sea, the bumper cars at Adventureland. It is one beautiful sensation of unserenity (on no sleep, unserenity is a word)....

Actually, I'm not exactly lacking serenity. I do feel a sense of peace mainly because I'm tired and recovering from an emotional few days. That is my first massive understatement of 09.

So, I spent New Year's Day saying good-bye to someone I love and flying home to New York City. Why, why, why, why, why, why, why (that's a Beatles reference).

Reflections on 2008 -- A year of transition and courage. Saying good-bye to one job at the consulting firm of a certain former NY Mayor turned presidential candidate. Saying hello to a new job at a fun, funky worldwide media company.

Saying good-bye to being an intenSati student and hello to becoming a certified intenSati instructor (www.satilife.com).

Good-bye to being an actress without a television credit and hello to my cable TV debut on the Independent Film Channel. Z Rock. Did you catch me as Tatyana the yoga teacher? Available for your viewing pleasure on Itunes. Season 1, Episode 4 (I think). Also shot a Motorola corporate video.

Hello to new friends. Some of the most wonderful people I've ever known I met in 2008. Deepening and strengthening family and friendship bonds.

Saying good-bye to rationalizing not changing certain self-destructive behaviors and hello to major improvements in my health and wellness habits. Accepting my imperfection with regard to said habits. I know, I didn't specify. Eating, mainly.

Good-bye to "my writing has to be perfect before I blog or publish" and hello to blogging. Realizing I write poetry, essays, songs, political commentary, drivel :). Loving the process.

Good-bye to "my singing/songwriting has to be perfect before I record" and hello to recording my own single "On My Own".

Good-bye to President Bush. HELLO TO BO!!!! Witnessing the election of Barack Obama!!!!!!!!!! Canvassing for him. Being a part of the movement. Reigniting my love of politics and activism.

For 2009, keeping it simple. It is my deepest resolution to be of greater service in the world, to treat myself and others with all the love, kindess and compassion I can muster, to sing/dance/act/write/direct/produce as much as I can, to choose joy and serenity, optimism and gratitude as often as I can. I vow to be present to myself and my surroundings, to face my life and my resonsibilities to myself and others. To manage my money much better. To eat less gum and soda. Less aspartame, too.

To laugh. How I love to laugh. I'm going to do comedy this year. Improv, maybe some stand-up...2009 dream acting gig: The Daily Show needs another female anchor!!!

Wishing you a blessed, joyful, abundant 2009!

Moments

2008-12-27T10:16:00.003-05:00

Moments in time
landing in our laps
it is asked
it is allowed
willing to surrender control
and enter into the silent spaces of the heart
mind
soul
willing to show up
and say
i don't know
you don't know
we don't know
willing to sing out
comfort songs of joy
longing
pleasure
and hope
matters of the heart make friends with each other
attract one another
expose
include
never deny
toss judgment out the stained glass window
confession met with the best reply
moving right along
with this dance
this song
moving right along
do a dance
sing a song
moving
into groundedness
into clarity as Who is further defined
moving
into union
into stillness
as I Want to Be Alone
is left behind.

On Facebook

2008-12-23T10:19:00.010-05:00

A lot has been on my mind concerning privacy versus exposure, and what exactly it means to me to make thoughts, feelings and images of myself public for others to see. This was prompted by my recently getting into a relationship and changing my Facebook status to reflect this while not realizing that my status amendment would go out as a "newsfeed" to hundreds of my friends and people in my network. The attention and comments I received from people filled me with so many different emotions -- from joy to being totally freaked out. From a positive standpoint, I was so touched that people felt so I happy for me. It was really sweet. On the latter front, I felt this awful pressure - what if I screw up or it doesn't work out? So, I've been contemplating how I really feel about this cyberspace window into my life.

It's all a lot of attention on the self, eh? If FB is growing my ego and providing a magnetic pull towards self-involvement, I need to take a break.

People post pictures of their children, some with the umbilical cords still attached, and I wonder what is sacred anymore and whether Facebook devalues or enhances life experiences, which we now not only have but offer as news. Even as friends send loving thoughts of congratulations, praise and encouragement, to me there is something strange about it. I think by offering tidbits of my life as they are happening, part of me feels taken out of the rhythm of just living it, which is hard enough as is. I never wanted to work in PR, and sometimes I feel like that's what I'm doing now, and that I'm my own client.

I guess it's highly subjective. For me, I will refrain from posting pictures of myself with my boyfriend. Perhaps I just want to keep that new and special part of my life private and don't want to feel like I'm becoming too tempted to draw conclusions about what is happening based on how our pictures look or what people have to say about us. These are sensitive and delicate matters of the heart.

Some days, when I read my friends' profiles, I am so happy and full of gratitude as I see people reaching milestones in their lives, when I see the beauty and joy and love they are manifesting. Other days, I feel jealous and wish I could have a piece of what they have. Usually this concerns other people booking acting gigs. I KNOW I'm not alone there! Facebook is a great spiritual and emotional thermometer. All I have to do is log on, open someone's profile and see what comes up inside me. If I feel the shadow emotions I know I have some work to do. Perhaps that's the best use of Facebook for me these days. Taking my spiritual/emotional temperature. :)

To restore myself when the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head, I quiet my mind, do my best to breathe and then put out my intention to the Universe to be relieved of this feeling. I remind myself that another person's success doesn't threaten mine, that my journey is about being an artist and expressive, and that although it may appear I am competing against other actresses for roles, for example, there is no competition involved with being an authentic creative being. That is what drew me to this path, I believe, after many years of competitive sports and social/academic environments which prized being The Best. I wanted to get away from that and just be free. It is my desire to protect this and release attachments I have to other people praising me and my work.

Writing is really fun because you never know where you're going to end up after you begin. Same thing with acting and also being in a relationship. I'm growing more willing to accept my invitations into the Don't Know Zone. The discipline is in maintaining a sense of inner peace while there. Even as emotions run all over the place. Thank god for friends, guides and mentors to help me with that!!

One more thing before I go. I really, really value people who read my blog. I will be saying this again and again, I think. It is another relationship for me. Writer/Reader. I offer, you receive, and in some cases you offer (via comments, emails) then I receive. It's the flow I thrive on and for which I long. So, THANK YOU.

Lessons from my Iphone

2008-12-04T18:34:00.002-05:00

About 3 weeks ago, I dropped my Cingular cell phone in the bathroom and it landed in a small puddle of bath water. May it rest in peace. I replaced it with an Iphone and it was love at first touch. I was so enamored by this thing that I considered changing my Facebook profile from "Single" to "In a Relationship with My Apple 3G." Well, you can imagine my chagrin when at about 9 am this morning, while returning to work after a full week of vacation, my precious unprotected phone (I hadn't purchased a case so you can imagine where this story is going) slipped out of my gloved hand and onto the 3rd Avenue sidewalk, just north of 42nd Street. Noooooooo!

Yes. The front glass cracked and there are chips along the side from the brief ride it took on the ground before I rescued it with a scoop. Now, the good news is, I purchased it with an AMEX which I believe provides insurance, though under what circumstances I am not exactly sure. What I want to share though is the very strange and strong reaction I had to this event. First of all, I instantly launched into a very harsh and scathing personal indictment which sounded something like this: How could you be so CARELESS! You didn't buy a case, how STUPID! Now you're going to have to pay to have it replaced and you CAN'T afford THAT! See, you can't take care of things, just like you always LOSE YOUR JEWELRY!

Huh? Yes, now I am experiencing how I felt as a teenager after losing an earing belonging to a precious pair my mother bought me. I'm hearing an ex-boyfriend who told me I am laid back to the point of careless. Ouch! This is the mind going without my consent and in my experience, the best thing to do is patiently observe it and change the thought to one that is more rational and compassionate.

Which I did, on my way to my office, which is just south of 50th Street on 3rd Avenue. I thought this was a done deal, that I'd just go to work and catch up on the close to 200 emails waiting in my Inbox. That I'd call AMEX on my lunch break and find out how to get my replacement. Yet, it wasn't put to rest. I kept glancing at the cracks on my genius phone throughout the day, and when I did I became filled with a queasy feeling in my stomach. I really couldn't let go that I had done this. And I hated the way this sleek, impressive feat of technologically innovative man looked like it had spent some time in a garbage disposal. So, I naturally got to thinking about perfectionism...

Perfectionism is sneaky. It shows up in disguise - as apathy and avoidance - especially in relationships. So, I allow myself these thoughts: Maybe he doesn't expect me to be perfect. (I am no longer talking about my Iphone, btw.) Maybe I don't have to hold him to unrealistic expectations, either. No matter what I do, if I go out there looking for gold instead of growth, it's going to backfire. There is nothing wrong with achievement and I certainly have goals in my life which I am working towards accomplishing. However, the golden key to the door of my personal, simple relief is to allow myself a comfortable amount of space to make attempts. Attempts are beautiful. They are bold, daring and courageous.

I recently came back from Seattle, a beautiful city that lived up to its reputation for cloudy weather. At one point, I sat at the foot of a hiking trail along a lake and stared up at the sky, where the sun was making its brave, imperfect attempt to come out. A little here. Not so much there. I watched, willed, asked, begged -- PLEASE come on out already! For a short moment it peeked. Then it did more of a boo than a peek, I suppose, but the point is, it didn't really come out. The rest of the day was a wash, weatherwise. (Note to self: Bad weather does not a bad vacation make, as long as the company is really good.) I also didn't get to see any mountain ranges the whole time I was there, since the heavy fog kept them hidden as well. My friend kept telling me how you could see them usually, just not today.

When I flew home to New York on Tuesday morning, I can't describe the feeling I had on the plane, thousands of feet above the earth and clouds. I could see this huge mountain peak in the sky*, with the bright awesome sun in the near distance. It did move me to tears.

That is how worth it it feels when you move through perfectionism and make the attempt, only to meet some kind of victory.

(*My friend tells me this was Mt. Rainier at 14,000 feet.)

Be Grateful. Seriously.

2008-11-27T07:28:00.008-05:00

My thoughts and prayers are with the people in Mumbai. I feel like a little girl who wants a simple, immediate fix -- for the $*()#@*#() terrorists to be wiped off the planet NOW. I wrote the post below right after I woke up, but as I turn CNN back on and witness more of the tragedy, I can admit it feels trite. I'll post it anyway.

I suppose a part of me wants to be awake as long as possible on the one day we devote, officially, to Gratitude. I’ve been up since 5:45 am. Option one is to run the following tape: Shit, can’t sleep, need my sleep, got a full day, don’t want to feel tired, don’t want to look tired, left all my make up at the studio and have nothing to cover up emerging dark circles under my eyes, blah blah blah...

Fun, right. That’s the news crawl at the bottom of my mental screen. When I watch the news, I tend to ignore the info which runs along the ticker. Often you’ll see such absurdly juxtaposed events as “Blasts rock Mumbai” and “Married Beyonce accused of hypocrisy over Single Ladies anthem.” So that’s a cue to me how little attention to pay my chatter.

Rather, I am intentionally shifting my thoughts towards appreciation and feelings pulled from that well deep inside which swells with gratitude. I hope there is a reader out there for whom this post will help do the same.

As a way to get started, I call up appreciation for what I guess some people call the little things but I prefer to label Gratitude’s opening act. I am so grateful mom finally knows how to send text messages. I am so grateful West Soy unsweetened almond soy milk tastes surprisingly good in my oat bran, as long as I add fruit and cinnamon. I am really grateful my bedroom window overlooks a toy and video games store, reminding me to bring a childlike spirit into my day!

Once I get this feeling going, it expands. Gratitude for a few days off from work, for the intenSati class I’ll be taking in a few hours (www.satilife.com) and for (what I hope will be) a relatively easy commute on the LIRR to my parents on Long Island this afternoon. Now the gratitude is really cooking and I develop a feelings reference point so that later....when I’m having Thanksgiving dinner with my family and out of habit my mind goes towards the negative and what perhaps I’d like to change about them, I can sit in a state of awareness and appreciation for who they are now, exactly, without trying to change or control them. Easier said than done, but possible.

In addition:
-I thought I’d cook a sugarless apple pie today but have abandoned that idea. I gave up refined sugar 11 days ago and feel great.
-I love that president-elect Obama said “Man, now that’s what I’m talking about” in a press conference the other day.
-My ankle is doing great and I’m back working out on it. I really suggest healing visualization techniques as well as traditional physical therapy exercises to move recovery along.
-Since I mentioned Beyonce earlier, I watched her AMA performance and will just restate the obvious: That girl’s got game!
-I am grateful you are reading my blog post to the end. Thank you.

Acting is Revealing

2008-11-24T08:16:00.002-05:00

This weekend I took an acting workshop with Tom Todoroff. I've been taking Tom's class for close to 3 years. It's an intensive scene-study and I performed the opening scene from "Rabbit Hole." I played Izzy.

Dear Izzy:
Thank you for teaching me about how to fight to be seen, heard and validated. Thank you for showing me that it is okay to risk exposing who I am to my family, and to see that even when they sound like they are judging me, it is only because of how much they care. Thank you for teaching me about sisterhood and how it feels to have that unique bond. Thank you for giving me the green light to imagine myself as Lady Ali in a bar fight, and hitting an adversary with my best shot just because I felt like it. Thank you for teaching me to lighten up even when I'm feeling needy and in pain. Thank you for teaching me to do funny things with a bagel and juice.
Love,
Lindsay

The students this weekend were extraordinary, and I am so grateful to have seen the many, many facets of my own nature reflected in each of them. Some aspects of myself were sleeping or on its way to hibernation. My fellow actors' bold portrayal of who they are woke me up. I feel a strong desire to be open hearted and connect with others from an honest place. How ironic that acting teaches me, more than any discipline I've found so far, to drop my masks.

Big 3 Talk

2008-11-19T07:33:00.004-05:00

I've been paying some attention to the auto industry's pleas for government assistance (a loan not a bailout), and seeing if I can draw any conclusions about what is best for this country. Clearly, it's no easy matter and there are very strong points for and against letting the Big 3 spin its own wheels into bankruptcy and eventual demise. Listening to the individual auto workers, company executives, congressional representatives and US citizens make their cases, I can't help but feel angry that it ever got this far. As Obama forgives his frienemies, smiling through his meeting with McCain and close to appointing Hillary SOS, I believe that Obama's approach is going to be essential to our nation's future because this country has a lot of very pissed off and scared people at the moment. It is similar to the post 9/11 angst we all felt when we were unsure who to blame. It was a difficult time to say the least, and this economic malaise is similar. Greedy wall street guys, auto company CEO's, the Bush Admininstration - just whose fault is it, really?

The blame game is pretty simplistic, but it's a natural tendency and sometimes hard to resist. Lacking a target or effective ways to release emotion, angry people become depressed, which is why some people refer to depression as "anger turned inward." So even if it's the wrong target, shooting at one brings relief, if only temporarily. Anything besides sitting with uncertainty or strong emotions. Anything besides taking time to understand the confluence of factors out of which the problem emerged.

We have a very lame duck in the White House and the media's energy and focus on Obama's every move communicates a message of hope and optimism. Yesterday, the Obama children's visit to the White House was "Breaking News" on CNN. The promise of a Secretary of State Hillary Clinton - redemption and in the eyes of her die hard supporters "the least he can do" -- is also dominating the news cycle, providing relief from congressional hearings and car talk. We look ahead, ahead, ahead as a means to cope with the uncertainty and pain of the present. 50,000 jobs cut at Citigroup. Cut to - more Breaking News - Did you know which of the West Wing characters was based on Rahm Emmanuel? How tempting to travel in and out of Hollywood fantasy land. How clearly we turn to our fiction to cope with it all, though who does it comfort, really? Not the auto workers, I bet.

When Giuliani was running for President, his most repeated catch phrase was "the reality is," which he said about as often as McCain would say "my friends." Well, my friends, the reality is we are a nation which doesn't deal with reality very well. 9/11 was a reality and we responded with Iraq, justified by illusion. Consumers have responded to their desires by racking up thousands upon thousands of dollars of personal debt and our government has done the exact same thing. Borrowing and spending money you don't have, to a degree that you will have big problems paying it off, is living in illusion. So what we need from our government now and in the future is pragmatism and sober responses to the complex economic meltdown river and all its tributaries, ultimately sending a message to Americans about how to respond to a crisis. This is the good kind of trickle down effect.

Next thing you know, we'll have Eminem making a music video homage to his native Detroit, some sort of rap ballad like the one he did with Dido, with pictures of Kim driving (or crashing, guess that depends on whether they're back together or not) a car made in Japan. Breaking news? Nah, it's just news to give ourselves a much needed mental health break.

Poetry post

2008-11-15T13:17:00.005-05:00

I saw the film "Happy Go Lucky" and was all set to blog about what I liked and didn't really go for, how I feel I stand on the path to happiness as compared to the goofy, endearingly optimistic Poppy. But instead, on this rainy Saturday in NYC, I went to the park and this is what came out:

Whispers from burnt sienna leaves
Central Park's trees
standing tall and proud as mother nature
drops November rain
a child skips over puddles and announces his
presence with a jubilant
thud
while a golden lab tip toes and protects
only the scent and sound of leaves soothe my mind
squirrels squirming through holes in the fence help me leave it all behind
graceful November fall
vigorous November fall
away from Zabar's, noisy bars, Fairway, life not feeling fair today
away from ambition which blinds and corrupts each innocent action and expression
warding off a visit from depression in the
autumn whisper wind
fresh breath
surreptitious sigh
dropping the masks, plunk
this is not the place for everyone
November clouds do not seek grandeur or gold
just to dim the sky
the little boy speaks of ice cream sundaes and the golden lab's ears perk up
bright yellow leaf lightly falls in my lap
breeze catching curls on my neck
when the soul for something longs
but sits alone
it is nature which offers
a comfort song.

On Transitions

2008-11-13T16:54:00.007-05:00

Today, we heard more disturbing news about the economy - the stock market is flailing, GM's wailing (to no effect at this point), Bush at once seemed to attack and defend his own economic initiatives during a press conference, and it's being reported that companies such as JP Morgan and Goldman Sachs each have about 6 billion dollars put aside for their company holiday bonuses. Fah-lah-lah-lah-lah...
Intelligence officials repeated today that terrorist groups intent on harming US interests could initiate a strike during the early stages of an Obama presidency or during the transition, when we are perceived as (or actually are) vulnerable. We've heard this before but it stresses once again the importance of the next few months.

Despite what is going on around us, it's essential to maintain a calm core. Toward this end, I am deepening my personal commitment to yoga and meditation. When it comes to reducing anxiety, it is one of the greatest things I've found. Anxiety is a funny thing. It takes a tremendous amount of courage and willingness to sit with it rather than reach for a smoke, a pill, a drink, a bowl of ice cream, etc. Tight chest, shortness of breath, pain behind the eyes does not a happy girl make! I used to experience panic attacks, so I know. Exercise is amazing for relief, yes, but if you're at a place where you need to be still, you can just go inward and rely on your breath. Deep belly breathing is so wonderful and it's portable.

My heart goes out to people who can't meet their mortgages or are unemployed, especially if they have a family to support. I hope we can be thinking more about ways we can help each other during the holiday season. I know I will be.

The Weight is Over

2008-11-11T13:46:00.006-05:00

When primary season began, I thought Barack Obama was too skinny to win the presidency. I imagined that Hillary could take him in a celebrity smackdown and that should BO get the nom, Giuliani (back when he was the front runner) would step out from behind a debate podium and eat him for a snack. I insisted to my brother that if Obama would put on 50 pounds of muscle, then his chances of winning would improve 50%. Once Obama became linked in our minds with arugla, I really thought it was over. Against McCain, who this campaign season struck me as more agitated/mad than aggressive and machismo, I wasn't sure what would happen. When Palin came on the scene, with such Vice Presidential labels as A Pit Bull with Lipstick and Sarah Barracuda (rendering her either a bitchy fish or a fishy bitch), I just had to hope that a nation which may sooner choose "In Testosterone We Trust" be written on a dollar bill than reject Propostion 8 would vote for a really skinny guy (with a funny name).

I am relieved we did. Today, when I look at Barack, who embodies such grace, charm and elegance, I am so glad he didn't change. In 70 days, Obama will be the leader of the free world. He will be Commander in Chief of the most powerful armed forces in the world. Yet, you can imagine that if there was a large spider on Sasha's bedroom wall, he would cup it in his hands (or maybe use paper towel) and release it onto the White House lawn.

Obama likes to back himself up with heavy hitters and muscle strength. His first press conference as President-elect saw him backed by an entire team of advisors. By selecting Rahm Emanuel to be his chief of staff, a former Israeli Defense Force volunteer nicknamed "Rahmbo" who once studied ballet (what a fabulous mix), we are going to have a very interesting balance of qualities that are traditionally labeled masculine and feminine and my hope is that gender labels get shaken up as much as ones pertaining to race and ethnicity.

It's going to be fascinating to watch how Obama's leadership style emerges and evolves. The threats of terrorism and war will be on his morning agenda every day. He is leading the charge to rebuild our infrastructure and economy from within and will undoubtedly take a lot of heat from the public. We know he's tough and strong - we saw him take on the Clinton and GOP machines - but we can be sure Obama will not employ the tactics of abuse that the Bush administration employed for years. Say good-bye to the BE SCARED --> WE'LL PROTECT YOU tactics of old. Say hello to a little less muscle and a lot more brains, with a side of arugula.

Decisions Decisions

2008-11-08T22:01:00.004-05:00

Last night, I played what I now know was my last competitive soccer game. My team was in a heated match under the lights on the 11th Avenue fields near Chelsea Piers. It was about 9:45pm and we were well into the second half, down by a score of 2-1. The turf was slippery thanks to a full day of fall rain and there was a frenetic energy on the pitch. I ran after a pass from my teammate, cut towards the goal and turned my ankle. I went down, as my dad used to say, "like a ton of bricks." I knew right away I had done some damage.

The injured ankle was one I had sprained multiple times, broken once and on which I had two surgeries, all throughout my years of playing soccer. I knew that playing again was accompanied by risk, since I had never recovered full strength in my ankle despite rounds of physical therapy and gym workouts. The doctor said scar tissue inside my joints was there to stay and my lovely ligaments were very overstretched.

But I was so eager to play, so I went ahead and joined a league. In August and September, before the season began, I worked on getting myself into game shape. It was the absolute strangest feeling. Soccer didn't change. The ball is still a 5, goals are the same size, the 18 yard box is still, conveniently, 18 yards. But I had changed. My body was different and I was, in a word - awkward. In this space, where I used to possess swiftness, finesse, grace and power, I felt weak. You can imagine the mixed emotions -- one minute I'm smelling the fresh, green Central Park grass and working out alongside joggers and little kids. I'm replaying old memories of myself scoring goals, running tirelessly and shouting things like "I'm open! Ball, ball, ball!" Then I would open my eyes and feel myself in the present, and experience the reality of what was a seriously weakened lower extremity, not to mention the other parts of my body which were rejecting my attempts to reacquaint them with this kind of physical activity.

The first game of the season turned out to be, surprisingly, pure exhileration. I felt strong. It had been 3 years so of course there was excitement, and I seemed like a tiger released from a cage. Balls were bouncing off every part of my body and I swear I didn't feel a thing. I was banging into people just like during the good ole' days. I scored a goal. My team nicknamed me the Beautiful Beast. :) But the second, third and fourth games, as well as last night's fifth of the season, saw a very different player. I was scared. Terrified was more like it. I no longer had the adrenaline pump from coming off a 3 year soccer fast and the reality of what i was doing sank in. This league is competitive. There are men and women in their 20s and 30s who are big, strong and fast. I am no longer in the kind of shape that would permit me to fake out, out run, run through or throw my opponents down. Instead, I was vulnerable.

I knew this but I forged on. I wanted to be heroic in my own life. Woman at 31 comes back from major injuries to be a kick ass soccer player all over again! I wanted all the joy back, the joy and the glory, those rushes from good-feeling goals and endorphins, those headers and corner kicks which all feel good in this inexplicable way...I guess I wanted that all back. Yes, I was fighting to recapture something I felt I lost.

Instead, what I got was sprain number...who knows, I've lost count. The familiar tennis ball-sized swollen ankle, painted with fruity colors like plum purple, banana yellow and a touch of grapefruit pink from the bandage's irritation. This morning's hospital x-rays revealed the bone is safe. I got off lucky, very lucky. I could've torn my ACL, ruptured a disk in my back, anything. Thankfully, I am so grateful, it's just a sprain. But the decision was made, it is made - I am done playing competitive soccer. I've made a full, conscious decision. One which says the risk outweighs the reward. I do not wish to get hurt and there is a healthy, gentle way to surrender my attachment to this passion and walk away. The energy, of course, needs to be redirected.

it's amazing what a difference a day makes. Tomorrow is going to be sunny. The pitch will be dryer. I won't be on it, and it will be okay.

Post Election Post

2008-11-07T19:35:00.004-05:00

This is going to be a short one because I am on my way to play soccer at Chelsea Piers. Yes, FC United is going for victory tonight after a draw last week and 2 prior losses. I'm not sure where the strength to play at 9 pm is going to come from but the plan is to do my best. Cheers to that.

Obama's press conference today was not quite as solid as I would've hoped. He was fine while communicating the "sobering" news about our economy: 240,000 jobs lost in October, the year's total job losses clocking in at 1.2 million and an increase from 6.1 percent to 6.5 percent in the unemployment rate (CNN). He was clear and on message with regard to his proposals and what we might expect during the first 100 days (a stimulus package, for one). But then there were the weird comments. The Nancy Reagan one was really bizarre. As was Obama's comparison between his own biracial background and the impending family dog, which he referred to as "a mutt like me." A reporter asked if he'd answer Ahmadenijad's congratulatory note and Obama started discussing Iran and I felt nervous for him, like I was watching someone get up on water skiis for the first time. Uh-oh, there he goes, is he going to fall, no, he's got it, yes, he's fine, ahhhh!!

Iran is serious shit - pardon my French.

It's going to be fascinating to see how hope and the promise of change exists alongside immense challenges and inevitable pain in this nation, whether it's another terrorist attack or a deeper, longer economic downturn. I am positive, however, that we are going to see a change in our country and more citizens are going to be awakened and inspired to contribute to society, help others and build stronger communities. Yes!

We have a President-elect who is a man, not a God. Who is a leader, not a savior. He is human, as we saw today. He gaffes. Yes, the Obaminator gaffes. We will scrutinize and analyze but let's just keep our eyes on the prize, which is correcting the damage that's been done by the Bush administration to this country in the areas of education, health care, national security, the environment, international relations and of course, the economy.

Oh, and a word about Prop 8. I felt very bad about this and my feeling is that far more straight people need to get involved in the LGBT movement. Straight folk who accept and tolerate queer folk should open their mouths and go public about it. Then, the NIMBY syndrome can be tempered; it will be. Think about the power of straight, married people coming out in strong support of gay marriage. Straight and gay rights activists should be the first marriage made in heaven whose work together would result in the legalization of same-sex marriage in more states.

Good night. I hope my soccer team wins tonight and that I score a goal. :)

ADDENDUM - I may be blogging a LOT more. I sprained my ankle tonight and can't walk. We lost and I didn't score a goal. This is going to be interesting. Peace. I am going to do an energetic healing meditation for it. (There are great ones on the podcast Meditation Station with Stin, btw. "Healing begins when you believe it can.")

A Time for Peace

2008-11-05T15:53:00.003-05:00

It is the job of the writer to translate the unimaginable into utterance. Emotion into eloquence. Sentiment into sentences. I will strive to do that here, though I must admit that even I (verbose at times) am at a loss for words.

It is love. It is love for a man who speaks from the heart. He embodies the American Dream. He has risen and overcome adversity. He will continue to do just that. He answered the call.

It is relief. We were beaten and held captive by the Bush empire. We saw absolute power corrupt absolutely. We saw an average man who was ill-equipped to handle being leader of the free world.

It is truth. We are a nation of people at once tolerant and racist. We, me. At once tolerant and racist. Not sure how to heal, how to be fully accepting, how to release all the fears of difference which swim subconsciously. There is the promise to heal that now. We voted on the economy, on Iraq, on the question of choice but we also voted to be healed of our racism and our collective guilt.

I spent months afraid that the GOP ticket will win the White House. That we'd have four more years of Republican leadership under a President John McCain. That we'd have a bizarre politician from Alaska in line for the presidency who I wouldn't trust to write a legal brief or a business plan. Someone I wouldn't trust to teach a one hour college undergraduate section in American history. This was scary.

I never embraced Hillary Clinton. A brilliant woman? Yes. An extraordinary intellect? Absolutely. An inspiring leader? No.

Voice, voice, voice. To speak truth to power. To question, ask, allow and challenge authority. We are led by our government and the people we elect to positions of power MUST uphold the values and ideals of our Founding Fathers AND Mothers. They must lead us through these challenging times and show us a way to walk a high road of decency and devotion to democracy.

We've all been through a lot together. The time to educate ourselves and each other is NOW. Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, credit default swaps, short selling, billion dollar bailout plans, No Child Left Behind, Medicare, Social Security -- it was a great ad campaign back in the days of the Cosby Show on NBC, remember? THE MORE YOU KNOW. Let's teach and learn together so we truly elevate ourselves to a nation of informed people with diverse opinions.

Let it never be said by future generations that indifference, cynicism or selfishness made us fail to live up to the ideals of humanism which the Nobel Peace Prize encapsulates. Let the strivings of us all, prove Martin Luther King Jr. to have been correct, when he said that humanity can no longer be tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war. -Nelson Mandela

Self Care 101

2008-10-11T03:16:00.006-04:00

Something is becoming clearer to me as I grow and mature. Whereas I used to accept a certain degree of self-neglect and mistreatment from others, I can no longer exist without a tremendous amount of self-care, love and nurturing. I think this is especially powerful being a single woman. Since I am not in a romantic relationship, it is essential that I learn how to take care of myself, lest I turn to guys expecting much more then what they can and are willing to provide. I have wonderful friends who are loving and supportive, but there are needs I must learn to fulfill (with grace and appreciation, not reluctance) on my own.

I was walking through the Village tonight at around 2 am after a friend's birthday party. Not for one second did I envy any of the college kids and 20-somethings piss drunk, smoking and falling all over each other. I felt grateful to get into a cab sober, independent and safe.

What is it about loneliness or solitude that is so scary for some women? For me, on the days and nights when I am uncomfortable in my own skin, I am aware that I feel inadequate and not enough. In a city where ambitious and talented people from all walks of life compete for a piece of pie, how can one surrender the ego and just say, I"m fine as is and don't need accolades and prizes to feel secure! Instead of constantly thinking how great it will be to hang my hat on the next rung of success, why can't I just accept myself in this moment? Vulnerable and human have got to be enough sometimes.

I played soccer earlier tonight. I am on a co-ed soccer team and we played at Chelsea Piers under the moon and lights, with the Empire State Building in the distance. We lost but it was a hard-fought match and a lot of fun. It was a great chance to be in the moment (I don't recommend playing soccer while ruminating about the past or fantasizing about the future. You might get a ball in the face.) I scuffed my knees up pretty bad and pulled my groin; when I got home, I iced the latter with a package of frozen stir-fry vegetables (Oriental style). While sitting there, I felt this nagging feeling -- some version of remorse and sad nostaligia -- because I wanted to return to the time when I was 19 and in phenomenal shape, able to do things with a soccer ball at my feet that I didn't then recognize at the time as spectacular, but now look back on as some kind of magical dance. I can't do nearly as much with a ball at my feet today, but at least I am back on a pitch after 2 major ankle surgeries. You just learn to move on, I guess. It's just amazing to be in the head of a 19-year-old player (which I am and always will be) but in a far different body.

I was kind to myself, though, and gently brought my mind back to present. I am learning to be here in October 2008 and accept it graciously, for groin pulls and soccer and the Empire State Building are all gifts - wonderful, fabulous treasures. You hear so much about what people think they must possess in order to be happy: more career success, financial security, health and a wonderful relationship, to name a few. I believe the key to my happiness in the now is a loving self-care practice that puts me on the top of my list and honors the beautiful woman that I am. The best treatment I can afford - loving thoughts, loving words, loving actions. I'm certainly not alone in this intention and I am so grateful already for the women and men I know who are committed to treating themselves with kindness and compassion, respect and admiration.